wow this is a whole lot of dumb venting shit seriously just ignore it.

man, i really don’t want to see a therapist. but at the same time, i understand that i kind of need to? i mean, seriously, right now i am bad enough that i can’t even make myself get out to get a fucking haircut, how do i ever expect to manage to get a job? i can’t even get myself started on my portfolio and looking at my resume makes me feel a little sick.

but at the same time, i’m just not very comfortable with the idea. there’s not a whole lot of people that i am comfortable with getting to know me on that level. the only reason i’m able to post this is because i’m assuming that most of the people who follow me don’t give enough of a fuck to click a read more.

actually, it’d probably be good for me, even in that respect. i’m completely ridiculous about privacy, i know i am. someone can’t walk into my room without me immediately feeling physically uncomfortable. knowing that someone is looking through any of my older art kind of makes me want to delete all of it before they can see it. so maybe having to tell someone private things will make me loosen up a little? i kind of doubt it. bluh, i have no idea what i’m talking about right now.

but, it’s looking like my options at the moment are either do that, keep on doing what i’m doing (which is clearly working out SO WELL), or go back on some form of medication. that might have to happen anyways for anxiety, but i’ve got some very mixed feelings about it. last time i was on an antidepressant, it worked fine. it worked fine, but then my body would adjust to it and we’d need to up the dose, until i was taking pills big enough to make me gag. and then i stopped taking it and i was shaky and a little crazy and bees decided my brain was for living in, and i don’t want to do that again.

i don’t know. i probably just need to stop thinking about it so much. more likely than not, this is the right direction for me to be moving in.